Earlier this morning...

In the bakery department of a grocery store.

Bakery Worker: Middle aged women, long brown hair in tight bun on top of head—wrapped in netting. Long face, dark eyes. Short. Wearing a white apron with a green and yellow flowered shirt underneath. Not wearing a smile. Estimation: Veteran production baker with more experience than the rest of the 20-somethings working behind her combined. Has a Precious Moments collection worth more than your car.

Young Women Customer: Hip, late 20’s, brown wool skirt with red leggings and Uggs. Oversized sweater to match. Stocking cap with brim pulled tight around the ears. Square glasses and a bright smile that says life is good. Estimation: Can make any combination of clothing look good and knows it. Is dating a business major who constantly quotes Jerry McQuire and thinks that buying stocks is foreplay.

Innocent Bystander: Man, late 40’s, average in all ways. Estimation: People always start to tell him he looks like someone, but then they forget who.

YWC: Good Morning! (Sing-song)
BW: Can I help you? (Monotone)
YWC: Yes, I need a cake.
BW: Ok, (Moving over to a different part of the counter and grabbing a three ring binder) here’s the cakes we make. (Pushing it across the counter).
YWC: (Not looking at the book at all) I need a bachelorette’s cake, my best friend is getting married in two weeks and I’m planning a big party for her.
BW: We can make bachelorette cakes. (Opening the three ring binder for the YWC)
YWC: Do you make custom orders?
BW: Yes, we can make custom cakes (finding the page and tapping it with her index finger) Here is a good place to start with prices and design. I’ll be right back. (Walks away towards a beeping)
YWC: (Looking over the book as her smile fades)
BW: (Silences a beeping and returns to counter)
YWC: Um, do you do cherry cakes?
BW: Cherry cake?
YWC: Yeah, Cherry.
BW: Now do you mean Cherry cake or cherry filling or cherry frosting or….
YWC: Cherry cake…or filling maybe?
BW: We don’t make cherry cake or cherry filling.
YWC: Oh..well maybe…
BW: We can do a cherry frosting.
YWC: Can you do a cream cheese frosting.
BW: Yes, we can do cream cheese or butter.
YWC: Cream cheese, but not cherry. I ‘d rather have a chocolate frosting. I was hoping to do a cherry cake with a chocolate frosting.
BW: We don’t make cherry cake.
YWC: (nodding) What flavors do you have?
BW: (Pointing to the book—looking annoyed) Chocolate, vanilla, pistachio and lemon…and carrot.
YWC: Wow, that’s odd, you make pistachio, but not cherry.
BW: (stares)
YWC: (Mulling over the choices)Oh! (Remembering) can you put a layer of pudding in-between two layers of cake?
BW: Yes
YWC: Well then, I think I have an idea. I’d like vanilla cake with a layer of chocolate pudding in the middle and chocolate cream cheese frosting.
BW: (Scribbling), What size?
YWC: There will be 20 people approximately, what size cake would that be?
BW: (pointing to the binder again) I’d get a 16 inch round or an 8 by 10 square, unless you want to have leftovers?
YWC: Leftovers?
BW: Lot’s of people like to plan to have leftovers.
YWC: I don’t want to have leftovers.
IB: I like leftovers. ( Calls a voice from behind them)
BW and YWC: (turning and staring at a man holding a loaf of bread)
IB: Sorry (Sheepishly putting the bread in his cart and slowly rolling away)
YWC: No leftovers.(turning back towards the BW) I’d like the 8 by 10.
BW: Ok, What do you want on top of the cake?
YWC: You mean design-wise?
BW: Yes.
YWC: Well, (looking around left and right and leaning in)you do custom orders right?
BW: I’m not putting a penis on your cake. (Monotone)
YWC: (Stunned) I…
BW: You want me to put a penis on your cake and I’m not going to do it.
YWC: I…actually yes, I…
BW: Thought it would be hilarious to put a penis on a cake for your friend’s bachelorette party?
YWC: It was just an idea…
BW: That you and your friends had one night while sipping cranberry daiquiri’s in your hot tub?
YWC: (Starting to get upset) NO! Well… yes, but…
BW: I’m not putting a penis on your cake.
YWC: Why not?
BW: Listen cherry, if I had to make a penis cake every time one you young 20-somethings got married I’d be up to my neck in frosted privates. I work for a living and I don’t need that kind of daily stress. If I wanted to draw nudes I’d of gotten a degree in painting. I’m a baker, not Delphin Enjolras. Now take a look at this book you like to ignore so much and pick a nice quaint design that expresses how damn happy you are for your best (with air-quotes and scrunched up face) friend. Why does your generation feel the need to whip out their ya-ya’s every-time they want to commemorate an occasion?
YWC: (Ignoring the question) Now you wait a minute. If you don’t want to do it then I’ll have someone else do it…(Exasperated)
BW: (Back to monotone)I’m the boss here cherry. You’re not getting a penis on your cake.
YWC: What ever happen to the customers always right and your way right away?
BW: Well, let me tell you that after 21 years of customer service, that the customer is seldom right and this is not McDonalds.
IB: Burger King (Calls a soft voice from behind them)
YWC and BW: (Turning and staring at the same man as before who now holds a baguette)
YWC: What?
IB: Your way right away is the Burger King slogan, not McDonalds’.
YWC and BW: (Staring)
IB: Sorry (He puts the baguette in his cart and slowly rolls away.)
YWC: (turning back to the BW) Well if you don’t want to make the cake, I’ll go somewhere else.
BW: That’s your choice.
YWC: Fine
BW: Fine
YWC: (Flustered, storms off)
BW: (After watching the YWC leave, turn’s to a young man who is looking at cakes in the display case.) Can I help you?
Man: Yes, Do you make custom cakes for Bachelor parties?